Goldbergs Already Packed for Summer of 2014

Livingston, NJ (Aug 22) – Only a short few hours after picking up their camp trunks from local merchant Kim’s Kountry Kleaners, the Goldbergs, Jake, 12, and Jenna, 10, are all packed up and ready for their 2014 summer experience.   The trunks were professionally steam-cleaned then dry-cleaned to ensure that any residue from the Camp Huron Lake storage shed and camp laundry soap was permanently expunged.   With the beautifully monogrammed bags back in her possession, Lara Goldberg feverishly and maniacally packed her kids with only 43 short weeks to spare.

While most normal mothers accumulate camp items throughout the year and finish things off with a trip to the Camp Depot, Goldberg is not one to wait until the last second.  In fact, she is already packing up for the next summer just a few hours after returning home from visiting day.  “I like to get a head start on packing up the kids so I’m not waiting til the very last second.  What I usually do is start researching what the hottest fashion trends are going to be for the spring season and start from there.  Sometimes things work out great like the summer of 2012 where Jake had a ton of funky Flow Society lacrosse shorts but last year I guessed wrong and I packed him Reebok tees and hoodies when all the other kids were wearing Under Armor.  Not a great summer for him,” lamented Mrs. Goldberg.  “My prediction is that next summer girls’ shorts will be shorter and tops will be longer so it looks like they’re not wearing anything underneath giving a sexy, alluring look.  I think that’s appropriate for the 11-13 female bat mitzvah-attending demographic.”

After most parents pick up their children from the bus upon returning from camp, a trip to a child’s favorite restaurant, a family party, or even the “Lice Lady” is not out of the norm.  But the Goldbergs immediately whisk their children off to Delicate Flowers in Livingston, NJ to order clothing before the spring rush arrives.  “I make sure my appointment is the day the kids come home.  Prior to that though, I consult with my kids’ pediatrician to try to extrapolate their growth rates to come up with what their sizes will be in 10 months.  Jake is close to hitting puberty so it’s going to be a real crap shoot this year.  Jenna told me she ate non-organic yogurt at a friend’s house last spring so I’m expecting major changes any day now.  I’ll have to stock up on sports bras and bandeaus.”

With her busy schedule Goldberg has very little time to spare once the school year begins.  A typical day includes supervising live-in nanny, Hillaria, feeding and dressing the kids followed by a three-hour gym session with Rob, her personal trainer.  If time permits, she’ll grab a quick lunch with friends at Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo-Yogurt before a quick nap and possible reading of the newest sex-infused novel.  As Hillaria gets the kids from the bus stop, Goldberg readies the kitchen table for Jake’s Johns Hopkins University Center for Talented Youth tutor then calls the carpool mothers to ensure her kids will be picked up on time for karate, soccer, art, music, fall baseball, and lacrosse.  After relaxing when the kids are out, she has to make sure Hillaria makes dinner before Hillaria puts the kids to bed.  “It’s exhausting.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day to get the camp stuff done.  It takes a village.”

Once the trunks are packed up and ready to go, they get placed outside to await pick up in mid-June followed by a daily call to the shipping company to see if they have a estimated hour window when they’ll be arriving to take the bags so Goldberg clears her calendar well in advance.  Several shipping companies have already broken their contract with Camp Huron Lake due to the constant harassment by Goldberg.  Last year’s shipping company, Schleppers, issued the following statement concerning their reason for breaking their fairly lucrative contract: “That’s one bat shit crazy bitch!”