Lake Huron, PA (August 3, 2020) – Despite running a camp for only one child, Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein was determined to end the summer with a splash by hiring Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the Nation Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases to break the summer of 2020 Color War. Dr. Fauci had previously been relatively unknown but has since been thrust into the national spotlight since the Covid pandemic took center stage.
Feldstein, who has always been known to get a serious bang for his buck, pulled off his greatest celebrity score since Debbie Gibson performed in the Social Hall in 1987 and seemingly did not know any of the female campers who claimed to be her best friend since the “Only in My Dreams” singer went to Merrick’s Calhoun High School, not the more semitic JFK High School. (Editor’s note: I’m embarrassed to know that.)
After convincing Dr. Fauci to speak at the camp to stress the importance of social distancing and wearing face masks, Feldstein sent a helicopter to Washington, D.C. to pick up the doctor for the short ride to Pennsylvania’s scenic Pocono region. Unbeknownst to the renowned Fauci, Feldstein outfitted the 80 year-old with a tandem skydiving harness which was used to drop him and a certified instructor directly onto the Huron Lake soccer field where he then handed Jake Horowitz the split sheet for the five day Color War extravaganza.
“I’ve travelled a lot over the course of my career but the first sign this would be an odd trip is when I had to get into the harness. United and Delta don’t typically do that,” commented a visibly shaken Fauci. “Wait, where are all the kids?”
Following his presentation to Horowitz and the adult staff, Dr. Fauci and the camper took part in several camp activities including GaGa and lanyard making but refrained from having a baseball catch due to stiffness in his shoulder as a result of throwing out the ceremonial first pitch of the Major League Baseball season.
Horowitz was finally able to take a swim with Dr. Fauci as his swim buddy then took a stroll to the tennis courts to play a few minutes of the doctor’s favorite leisure time activities.
Unfortunately for Dr. Fauci, playing tennis in his wet bathing suit caused a severe case of camp crotch (tinea cruris) which severely hindered his ability to walk in a normal gait. The throat lozenge provided by the camp nurse did not help the burning rash causing him to head back to the waterfront to cool his blistering nether region.
After doing some research on the internet, Feldstein offered an idea to cure Dr. Fauci’s painfully debilitating rash. “I see a hydrocortisone cream that knocks it out in a minute, one minute,” Feldstein said to his puzzled infirmary staff. “And is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning? Because you see it gets inside the crotch and it does a tremendous number on the crotch, so it would be interesting to check that.”