Huron Lake, PA (August 6, 2019) – Since ten-year-old Maddye Berkowitz was named Color War Camper Captain of the Inter Girls Blue Cross Blue Shield team, friends and counselors have noticed that she has been acting like a complete asshole who has let the power of the clipboard go straight to her head. Only a few days removed from being the darling of the Camp Huron Lake Inter division, Berkowitz, a funny, athletic, friendly camper has turned into a raging nightmare who believes that she holds life-changing power during her four-day long reign of terror.
Being named Camper Captain for Color War is an honor typically bestowed on a camper who has tremendous camp spirit and has shown leadership throughout the summer. For some, being named camper captain is a far greater achievement than getting into an Ivy League university. For others, such as Berkowitz, now a ridiculously bossy bitch, it is the culmination of copious ass-kissing and brown-nosing counselors and adult staff for the past five and half weeks.
From the moment her eyes gazed upon the split sheets and saw her name affixed to the top of one half of the Inter Girls Division, Berkowitz immediately transformed into egomaniacal bitch whose only goal is to dominate Color War at any cost. Starting with kickball on Day 1 and ending with the Swim Meet on Day 4, Maddye has meticulously scrutinized positioning and lineups as if she was Norman Schwarzkopf invading Iraq. Each night once she finishes bed checks on all members of her team to ensure they are getting proper rest for the next day’s events, she meets with her self-appointed assistant to check if any members of her team are socializing with the enemy then plans for total annihilation of the White Castles.
“She’s fuckin’ nuts. Yesterday was volleyball and I had a cramp so since I’m not great a volleyball, she got all excited and sent me to the infirmary so the better girls can play more,” explained bunkmate and teammate Sydnie Friedenberg. “She’s not God! Oh wait, I forgot…she is until Color War is over.”
Camping experts have been baffled as to why seemingly normal children turn into wildly power-thirsty, blood-lusting assholes once the Color War clipboard touches their hands. Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein, a big proponent of corporate sponsorships, has several theories on the topic.
“Kids see doctors, sports coaches, gym teachers with clipboards. It’s a symbol of power so when a child gets one, he or she believes she is more important than his or her peers,” Feldstein pontificated. “It’s also pretty hard so if someone gets out of line they get smacked over the head by it.”
Berkowitz whose motto throughout the week is “If they wanted it to be fun they’d name it Color Fun. It’s COLOR WAR bitches!” is expected to be back to normal seconds after Feldstein announces the Color War winner.