Huron Lake, Pa (June 30, 2017) – For the past few summers, Camp Huron Lake Director Marty Feldstein, has seen a very disturbing trend among the thirteen year-old campers. He has dealt with homesickness and bullying for decades but he never expected to encounter what is going on in the Senior division this summer. After ten months of Bar, Bat, and occasional B’Nai Mitzvah hopping, the entire group is really jonesing for some kind of over-the-top, ridiculously lavish, celebration every Saturday night.
Feldstein knew he had a problem on his hands this past Monday night in the canteen. When Alexa Melnick, last summer’s Camper of the Year, ordered a soda, canteen worker Ian Jones innocently stated that they offer “Coke and Pepsi” which like Pavlov’s dog, sent the girls into a chaotic frenzy, sprinting and screaming to one another in hopes of finding a knee to sit down on. Once they found a partner, they waited for instructions from the Camp Emcee before realizing that Camp Huron Lake, or any other camp for that matter, does not have one. Minutes later, several girls then instinctively begged Feldstein for a $5-$25 Starbucks, Amazon, or iTunes gift card.
Feldstein feared the situation was much more dire than first thought when the Senior Girls left Wednesday night’s social in the Rec Hall and could not for the life of them find the wall of cubbies containing drawstring knapsacks with sweatshirts inside. Melnick, who had already spent all of her canteen money and traded several pairs of sneakers for party favors was seen sitting slumped over in the corner of the Rec Hall, frothing at the mouth in a dazed stupor, scratching herself and slurring, “Where’s my sweatshirt? Where’s the photo booth and props? I need my fix, motherfucker! ”
Feldstein and several drug and alcohol counselors have put together a comprehensive detox/rehab plan for the girls to be free of addiction when returning home in mid-August. Drug counselor Matt Tobinsky explained the approach to the kids earlier in the day. “Stopping anything cold turkey is very difficult for anyone, let alone a thirteen year old. So what we’re going to do over the course of the next six weeks is to gradually bring their expectations back to normal levels. Assessment, Detoxification, Rehabilitation, Aftercare. This program will mirror the same one I administer to recovering crystal meth users.”
Each week the girls will increase the length of their dresses by one inch while decreasing their high heels by a half inch. Boys will be allowed to wear a bow tie and/or shirt with contrasting sleeve cuffs for the first few Saturday nights but will move to a t-shirt and shorts by the summer’s end.
A Senior Girl getting counseling after not seeing a photo montage at the most recent social.
Additionally, the young teens will receive a non-hooded sweatshirt in drawstring bags the first week, just a shirt the second week followed by a small bag of candy in the third and by the end of the program, they will leave the party empty handed. The idea, says Tobinsky, is to teach these children to have realistic ideals of what a party is moving forward. But he does not want to “rip off the band aid” too quickly, opting for a low-priced teenage DJ for a few parties before turning the music responsibilities to his no-screen, no-WIFI access Apple Shuffle.
Melnick’s parents, Meredith and Dave, are happy to see their daughter receive the treatment she sorely needs but think they may need help as well. The empty nesters for the next seven weeks have already made plans to drive from their home in Livingston, NJ to somewhere on Long Island each Saturday night, eat dinner at an Applebees or Chili’s then walk around the nearest mall until closing time and finally, wait impatiently in a random parking lot strictly out of habit.
FRIGGIN HYSTERICAL and oh so accurate!